So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
