Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
