Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
