brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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