I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
