i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
