My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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