So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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