Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
