wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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