Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
