Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
