just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
