Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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