I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
