my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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