It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
