iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
