she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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