Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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