I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
