I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
