I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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