he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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