she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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