i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I AM VODKA MAN
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
