Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
