I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
