final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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