it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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