I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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