Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Shame - the story of my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
