I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
