Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
