I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
