I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
