I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Can Purell be used as lube?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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