I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
