Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
