it hurts more in the daytime
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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