you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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