he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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