You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
