His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
