i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
