I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
