TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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