Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
