apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
