Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
